Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 12

How to Behave When Your Child Throws a Tantrum


Temper tantrums in children can happen anywhere but supermarkets and department stores seem to trigger these spectacular outbursts more so than other places. How do you behave when your child throws a tantrum?

children and tantrum behaviour
Photograph Courtesy Phaewilk-morguefile.com

I saw a Dad and his toddler go through one of these events the other day.The Dad picked him up from the trolley and sought to soothe him speaking in low tones. But he slithered out of his arms and hit the floor kicking and screaming. What the Dad did next won my respect. He just sat down on the floor next to his live wire son and looked calmly at him. His gaze had a tinge of compassion almost as one that would be directed at a drunken buddy who had lost it. He didn't say a word; just sat there completely present yet silent

Soon enough the party aisle went quiet and all was well as the father son duo moved along to checkout speaking in low tones to each other engrossed in a world of their own. There was no wringing of hands, dramatic statements, or apologetic glances directed to passers by. It was just another day in the lives of those two who understood each other perfectly.

Do not use brute force to suppress a tantrum


Don't go all out exerting control and power just because you can. Medieval practices of spanking and belting are really not an option. These days, kids are already belted by junk food, environmental pollution, technological glut, chemical cleaning agents, genetically modified food, a lifestyle that coops them up indoors in synthetic environments, and being brought up by single parents who have plenty on their plate. What they need more than anything is emotional well-being.

Parents have to manage tantrum behaviour


Before language acquisition, you are your child's thinking brain. They depend on you to do their thinking for them. They depend on you not just for food, water, and safety but also for the regulation of their emotional needs. So the soothing of their feelings of frustration, fear, being overwhelmed or frightened is your responsibility. It is the parents' job to anticipate, recognise, and act to prevent escalation.

Be empathic and show your concern


This might be hard to believe but a toddler does not throw a tantrum for the heck of it. There's always a reason that gets them started. Analyse, find, show concern, and show your child you're trying to help. Where that's not possible, like wanting the moon or something similar, be empathic. Tell him how you'd always wanted to be James Bond, but it never worked out. A child is not a criminal mastermind who embarks on premeditated tantrums for the sheer pleasure of tormenting parents and caregivers. Although if not addressed promptly and intelligently when it begins, it may indeed lead to such a state of affairs as they grow older.

Check your signals; are they setting off his tantrum triggers?


Your tone of voice and choice of words can sent signals to a sensitive child making him defensive and touchy. This could work out to be negative reinforcement that has the child prepared to throw a tantrum at the drop of a hat due to an implied suggestion that this may be expected of him. You behave or we won't go to the park this weekend. There is an implied threat. The child focuses on the park bit rather than the admonishment to behave. 

The important message he gets is that the trip to the park may not be happening for some reason. The park is his priority while the behaving is the parent's priority. So if he believes that the park trip is under threat he is not going to be quiet and accepting of it. He is going to show you just how upset he is and this may trigger a tantrum at the slightest provocation.

Tantrum behaviour in the older child


If your child continues to throw tantrums even after toddlerhood, it signals the child's rooted belief of not being heard or understood. Examine why this is so. Were her needs attended to within a reasonable period of time during her infancy? Has she had to act out before she was fed, cleaned, picked up, etc.? If you believe this was the case when she was a baby, it's still not too late to work on gaining her trust and confidence. Once she learns she can depend on you to take care of her needs without her having to throw a fit, she'll calm down. While you earn her trust, you can also bring it up and talk about it.

how to behave when your child has a tantrum
Photograph Courtesy Phaewilk-morguefile.com


With an older child, spend an afternoon together doing stuff she likes. Engage in a light-hearted game and when completely relaxed, 

  • gently bring up her tantrum behaviour
  • why she does it
  • explore other ways of expressing her feelings
  • say you understand how hard it must be to feel that way and act that way
  • how hard it is for you to see her that way
  • how can we change this?


It is important to be engaged in a game while discussing this because it takes the attention away from the child's behaviour. It helps her open up. The emphasis is on the game; the talk is secondary. Pay attention to the child's body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and words used. This may help you find out the causes behind her tantrum episodes. Older children who have become accustomed to throwing tantrums for whatever reason may benefit from meditation techniques that help calm down and better manage their behaviour.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy
Ultimate Guide to Temper Tantrums


Thursday, September 6

Temper Tantrums and their Scientific Reasons

A temper tantrum can be an unnerving event whether acted out by your toddler or your boss. The latter is his or her parents' problem; however the toddler's case deserves a more empathic approach. Temper tantrums are not so bad if you can understand what causes it. This will help you prevent or tread wisely around situations that may bring on one.


So what causes temper tantrums in kids? The usual suspects are hunger, thirst, tiredness, feeling sleepy, feeling unattended, feeling uncomfortable, loss of control over a situation/powerlessness, fall in blood sugar, or neurotic behaviour on the part of the parent such as anger, anxiety, exceedingly hurried pace, long chats on the phone while the kid feels neglected. If you can rule all this out, we need to consider other factors that may bring about a temper tantrum.


Some Scientific Causes for a Temper Tantrum


Sensory Processing Disorder


If you believe your child is throwing tantrums on a regular basis and for no earthly reason, you could consider evaluating to see if he has a problem with processing sensory input. In plain English this means having trouble interpreting what your senses tell you. Kids with this problem can be overly sensitive to stimuli and show excessive response to sensations. They may find normal touch, sights, sounds, and movements unbearable that other kids may have no problem with. They may feel overwhelmed by high ceiling and infrastructure as well as high noise levels. You can get more information about sensory processing disorder if you need to check this out.


Magnesium deficiency


magnesium deficiency and toddler tantrums
Photograph Copyright mrmac04 morguefile.com
Children deficient in magnesium may be prone to hyperactivity and be unmanageable, leading eventually to erratic behaviour and temper tantrums. Magnesium is easily lost in overheated indoor areas and high stress situations. Those on a gluten-free diet may not be getting adequate amounts of magnesium in their diet when they cut out whole grains and cereals which are good sources of the mineral. A diet rich in magnesium has a calming effect on the nerves and muscles besides various other benefits. 

Omega-3 and Vitamin D levels


temper tantrums may be caused by a lack of Vitamin D
Photograph Copyright Keyseeker-morguefile.com
Children who are low on omega-3 fatty acids and Vitamin D are also known to have more behavioural issues such as temper tantrums. There are tests available to ascertain these levels. While fish oil may help, any supplements are best taken only on the advice of a registered medical practitioner.


General diet and nutrition


A well-balanced nutritious diet at regular feeding times is a necessity for the overall physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing of a young child. If this is not available to the child, she may exhibit behavioural problems and be prone to temper tantrums. Encouraging healthy eating habits in your kids is a huge step in promoting sensible behaviour.

Sugar spikes and falls


Sugar spikes and drops may cause temper tantrums
Photograph Copyright Darren Hester-morguefile.com
Young children who are fed high levels of sugar in their daily diet have been shown to exhibit hyperactivity and violent behaviour. A young child's body mechanism is unable to process large amounts of sugar and maintain a balance. A diet that is mostly soft drinks and food processed out of refined sugar, white flour, and trans fat will cause spikes in glucose absorption followed by dramatic falls. A child whose staple diet is made up of these substances will experience withdrawal symptoms if suddenly denied it. This will lead to the mother of all tantrums that appear to come out of nowhere.

Fluorescent lighting


Temper tantrums may be triggered by fluorescent lighting
Photograph Copyright Chelle-morguefile.com
Fluorescent lighting in supermarkets, class rooms, gyms, and other places may trigger behavioural issues in some kids. This is easily discerned in kids who are happy little souls at home, but act out only on shopping trips or at school. Fluorescent lighting has a flickering pattern that may not be noticed by all, at least consciously. But some individuals are especially sensitive to this flickering and may be disturbed by it. 

Head aches, buzzing in the ears, anxiety, difficulty focusing, and eye strain are some symptoms. Young children who are sensitive to this may find it unbearable and be propelled into tantrum behaviour. Toddlers, with their underdeveloped nervous system, are even more likely to be affected, even more so if they're strapped to their prams facing up at the lights. 

Cleaning solvents


strong odours and toxic chemical cause temper tantrums
Photograph Copyright Xandert
The strong odours left behind by cleaning solvents and other chemical materials may cause disturbances in children's behavioural patterns. Even after the odours have evaporated, the VOCs (Volatile Organic Compounds) that are the actual culprits will continue to be dispersed into the air. When breathed in, these toxic compounds can mess with the brain and nervous system and cause those sensitive to it to react violently.

Food allergies


Allergic reaction to certain preservatives, artificial food colouring, dairy, wheat, or soy products may present in the form of headaches, stomach aches, nausea, and feelings of disconnectedness as well as temper tantrums in young children. Flaming cheeks and ears are a giveaway in this situation.

Antibiotics


temper tantrums may be caused by the use of antibiotics
Photograph Copyright ppdigital-morguefile.com
Young children who are on antibiotics may be deficient in good bacteria in the gut flora. This may find them deficient in minerals such as magnesium, zinc, calcium, and selenium. This deficiency may cause them to be emotionally volatile and very prone to temper tantrums.

Anesthesia 


Children who may have had to have anesthesia as part of medical procedures before age three may have behavioural problems later on due to its effect on their brains. Studies have shown a link between anesthesia and behaviour but this need not be taken as conclusive. What you need to do is be aware that this could be a possibility when you're unable to identify other causes. Just knowing this will equip you to deal compassionately with your child's tantrums and take appropriate measures to prevent it. 

Developmental stage of a toddlers' brain


temper tantrums may be caused by confusion and overwhelming situations
Photograph Copyright Straight-morguefile.com

The prefrontal cortex area of a toddler's brain has not reached full development. The prefrontal cortex is the thinking brain. At this stage a toddler's actions are governed by the limbic system which is the emotional brain that knows no reason. It plunges into action without thought. This is why it is pointless to reason with your toddler, especially in the middle of a tantrum when the limbic system is all fired up.

For this reason, parents are the thinking brain of a child often well into adolescence and even young adulthood. In the case of a toddler, it is the parent who uses logic and thinking capacity to guide her actions and keep attuned to her wants and needs. Identifying and fulfilling the needs and wants of a toddler using the prefrontal cortex which is, let's hope, fully developed in an adult, the parent acts as the guide for a little being fully in the power of an immature limbic system. This needs to be so until children can be shown how to regulate their mental activities through meditation techniques and other helpful measures. 

If all this seems a bit too complicated, here's the gist. A parent's job is not just to feed and clothe the child but also to think and act for the child; be the child's brain. This happens again in old age, but in reverse. In old age, the prefrontal cortex area of the parent's brain shrinks and results in diminished thinking capacity due to senility or other age-related dysfunction. And then, it is the turn of the adult child or a caregiver who has to be your brain and think and act for you. This is payback time for you when you get to launch into temper tantrums of your own.

Thank you for reading this far. I hope this proves helpful in some way in your childrearing. I'd appreciate you leaving a comment as to how this may have helped you, or not. Cheers!


Related Posts that You may Like 
Ultimate Guide to Temper Tantrums
How to Behave When Your Child Throws a Tantrum
What Causes Temper Tantrums in Children


Saturday, September 1

What Causes Temper Tantrum in Toddlers?

Temper tantrum in toddlers is a much dreaded aspect of childrearing; also one of the least understood. What prompts children to throw a fit, kick, scream, roll on the floor, hit their soft heads against hard objects, hurt themselves and others, and transform into unmanageable bundles of fury that leave parents helpless, highly provoked, and often clueless? Why are some kids particularly prone to throwing a tantrum when others are more placid?


The whole point of this post and the following series is to explore the causes of temper tantrums especially in toddlers and young children. Understanding the causes is the first step in handling it and preventing it from tormenting both the child and the caregivers.

Some Usual Causes of Temper Tantrums

  • Young children feel

Hunger, Thirst

  • Discomfort from 
       Wet nappiesPinching shoe, Stuffy clothing, Loud noises
  • Some object to the sensation of being pushed around atop a rickety trolley.
  • The sudden change in temperature from outdoors to indoors or from the warmer aisles to the frozen food aisle of a supermarket.

  • Besides these annoyances kids also feel
    causes of temper tantrums in toddlers
    Courtesy Nasir Khan-morguefile,com
    Fear

    Sadness

    Frustrations

    Loss of control

    Powerlessness

    Boredom

    Overstimulation of the senses


    Tiredness


    Ignored


    Overwhelmed 
  • They can also keenly sense the parent's anger and other negative emotions directed towards them or elsewhere.
  • They could be having an aching belly or head or foot but be unable to articulate exactly what's happening with them.
  • Something they ate or drank could be making them feel sick or nauseous and again, they are not going to be able to identify their problem as such and inform the parent.
  • Over and above all, toddlers become confused and agitated when their daily routines are disrupted.

Any of these might prove the last straw to a shopping trip that seems to go on forever. When they feel horrible they act horrible.

Major Emotions in a Temper Tantrum


causes of temper tantrums in toddlers
Photograph Courtesy Anita Patterson-morguefile.com

What you need to keep in mind is that the major emotions involved in a tantrum episode are frustration and sadness

A toddler throwing a tantrum is first and foremost a very sad child even though it is the fury that grabs attention.

There is an element of helplessness in combination with the other elements discussed above that makes the child feel incredibly alone, abandoned, and vulnerable.

Lack of Language Abilities Can Cause Tantrums 


The toddler's greatest vulnerability is the lack of language. He does not have the ability to tell you exactly how he is feeling or where it hurts. This leads to a great deal of frustration, especially when the caregiver is unable to understand his repeated attempts at communicating.

Of course, this leads to an emotional acting out of that frustration that is overwhelming him. As the tantrum moves into first gear, he becomes even more incoherent as the little logic that his baby brain is capable of abandons him altogether.

Warning Signals of a Temper Tantrum


temper tantrums in toddlers
Courtesy eprzygoda-morguefile.com
Temper tantrums in children do not occur without warning. There will be signals such as whimpers, whines, sniffles, change in tone and facial expressions, and sobs that should signal to the caregiver well in advance what is brewing.  When these warning signals are ignored, the tantrum escalates into a gale force performance.

Temper Tantrums Caused by Adult Routines


Adult routines and errands often disrupt a toddler's routine. Young kids benefit from steady routines and predictability. This gives them a sense of security that is essential to forming healthy personalities and attitudes. Trying to fit your child into your routines upsets the stability and predictability that a child depends on to make sense of this world.

If you have a toddler or very young child, plan your routine around her needs and not the other way around. Trying to fit childrearing to suit shopping, grocery, movies, eating out, parties, and other adult activities is actually asking too much of a toddler.

Trying to squeeze in one more errand when the child is ready for his nap is not a sensible thing to do. This will provoke a tantrum 9 times out of 10 and then it is quite absurd to label the child a monster for demanding that it needs to take a nap, groceries be damned.

Toddlers Cannot be Expected to Understand Adult Concepts of Time, Distance, and Numbers


Young children are not capable of understanding the concept of postponing or the significance of time. When you tell your child, "Five minutes, sweetie, let mommy quickly rush in and do this one thing," the toddler does not understand the concept of the number 5, the meaning of minutes or how long or short that is, or the all-fired importance of whatever it is that mommy is hurrying to accomplish. He only knows he is sleepy but unable to do so and it is driving him nuts with frustration.

Instead of seeing the child's point of view, mommy might insist on completing her errand. She might even accuse the child of controlling her with his unrelenting needs and refuse to be thus controlled by a pipsqueak. After all it's just a matter of a few minutes; the kid should be fine to wait. 

But in a toddler's world 5 minutes might just as well be 5 hours. The only way he can communicate his discomfort and frustration at the disruption of his routine is to bawl at the top of his lungs and use his body as a punching bag in a bid to work it out.

Toddlers do not Get Adult Logic


And once the meltdown has begun, you can offer him the finest bed in the world to take his nap, but he just won't see it. The outburst of powerful emotions has to work its way out of his system. Right now the prime issue is how horribly upset she is feeling and not what caused it. You can only wait till it has run its course and comes to an end on its own.

Single parents, especially, are often at a loss when it comes to balancing day to day routines and childrearing. But if your intention is harmonious childrearing, the priority has to be the child. Following a stable routine actually helps you schedule and make plans around the peaks and lulls that define a day with your child. As a matter of fact you get more work accomplished this way.

Temper Tantrum-An Inside View


Have you ever wondered how it must feel to be restricted by language, completely powerless and strapped to a pram or trolley, highly uncomfortable in wet pants or worse, longing for a cool drink or a warm snack and none are forthcoming, unable to snooze when your eyelids are heavy with sleep, and no one appears to care a damn? 

Something similar would be you having to sit through a parliament session when you don't have the slightest interest in politics. You are surrounded by strangers talking gibberish that you are not in the least bit interested. You would of course get up and leave. 

But what if you are strapped to a chair and are at the mercy of a caregiver if you need to get out of that chair, have a drink or snack, or just take a stroll and explore surroundings? 

Wouldn't it be infinitely worse if you get the feeling that your caregiver does not appear to be paying much attention to you, but is rather more interested in picking things off shelves, trying on shoes or clothes, or talking endlessly on the phone?

Understanding the causes of toddler tantrums
Courtesy morguefile.com
You begin to whimper, whine a little louder, and then when that fails, get more vocal in your efforts to communicate your uneasiness. Nope, nothing works. You are told to behave or you won't be given this treat or that trip to the park later on. Later on does not really make much sense to you; in your world it might as well be a month away; the only concept of time you understand is right now.

You feel a bit let down and unhappy that your needs are not being met. Simultaneously waves of frustration rise up inside of you prompted by an utter lack of control and powerlessness. You go red in the face and let out shrieks and screams. You are no longer aware of your surroundings or the good manners that you have been taught.

You reach a stage where you don't even know why you feel the way you do. You are unable to think straight and are at the mercy of your emotions

You kick and scream, hold your breath, choke, sob, streams of tears flow down your face, your nose is stuffed up, and you're hurting all over from banging and crashing around. 

You can sense the displeasure of your caregiver and that makes you feel infinitely worse. The only reality for you at this stage is the fact that you are terribly upset and have neither the ability nor the wherewithal to manage it. If this scenario were real, you are right in the middle of a temper tantrum at this stage. How would you like to be treated?

Do share your ideas in the comments below. Later on I shall be exploring the more scientific causes of tantrums and ways on how to handle temper tantrums in children. You might also like the ultimate guide to temper tantrums. This post is just an exploration of the usual causes. Thank you for reading this far. 

Tuesday, February 22

Sibling Rivalry and How to Deal With it

Sibling rivalry is the intense feelings of competition and jealousy that sometimes characterise the relationships of brothers and sisters. Would it be too far off the mark to suggest that these feelings are often inadvertently caused by parents themselves? While parents do not go all out to promote rivalry between siblings, often it is their passing comments and acts of omission that cause a child to see a sibling as a rival.


sibling rivalry in childrearing

Parents may, often inadvertently, lean towards one of their children due to various reasons. This could be because this child is especially gifted and brings them unlimited bragging rights, or because this child is particularly well-behaved when compared to an unruly sibling.

Tuesday, December 28

New Years Resolutions


Set of 12 of 2.25" Buttons Pins Badges "My Very Funny New Year's Resolutions"New Years resolutions are usually blurted out in moments of festive abandon or when in the throes of a hangover. So it is never a surprise when they fizzle out with the soda at dawn. But this tradition of making New Year's resolutions does signal a positive way to enter a brand new year infusing it with optimism, hope, and a determination to do something nice with it.

The Art of The Fresh Start: How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions for a Lifetime
New Year's resolution when seen in terms of some chore that has to be stuck to no matter what for the next 365 days may indeed seem like a drag that sucks the joy out of life. But if you think of it in terms of a way of grabbing hold of some aspect of your life with an intention to do what you can to make it better, it appears a winner all the way. 

Saturday, November 27

Fathers are Important for Kids

Tips to Enrich Your Child's Life!

Fathers are integral to raising happy, healthy children. Fatherhood is much more than footing bills or an annual Father's Day card. It is the stuff childhood memories are made of. Parenting is one job meant for two people, not really for one person multi-tasking like mad. Raising children well calls for enormous responsibilities and this is easier when two reasonably intelligent adults embark on it as a joint venture.

A Father's Role
Fathers need not be considered just providers and protectors, though these time-honoured roles are the first things that come to mind when speaking of fatherhood. In the modern context however, it has become essential that fathers have a close emotional bond with their children rather than be some distant figure that comes home in the evenings and retires behind a newspaper or gets hypnotized by the TV. What's worse for kids would be the weekend Dad who is more a guest than a parent.

Tuesday, November 23

Parenting Question: Why Have Children?

Tips to Enrich Your Child's Life!

Child rearing takes a decent amount of common sense, which as some genius pointed out was not all that common after all. A good deal of love and caring and a genuine unselfishness where kids are concerned are mostly all it takes to make life for kids as pleasant as possible, if not at least bearable. Folks who are in short supply of any of these ingredients really should reconsider the big leap into parenthood.

child rearing
Child rearing Photo Courtesy morguefile.com

Friday, November 19

Single Child

Tips to Enrich Your Child's Life!

Single child families appear to be the norm these days, if you have noticed. Whether you blame recession, time-consuming careers, or simply parental choice, the only child is no longer an oddity, especially among the urban crowd. A comment by Mae on my posting on children and chores, got me thinking about this more or less modern phenomenon. Though I replied off the top of my head, the issue was positively ping-ponging between my ears all day long. I still can't decide whether a single child family is a good thing or not.

Monday, November 15

Children and Chores

Childhood Chores

Children and Chores; quite often the two don't mix. And if you attempt to do it the hard way, it could deteriorate into a pooch training session. This can only result in a lifelong allergy to the simple chores that bring balance and beauty to life. You've done well if you have brought up a child who does chores cheerfully.

Children and Chores
Photograph courtesy hummingbird-morguefile.com
                 
Chores For Kids

Putting away toys, story books, shoes, folding small articles of clothes, setting the table, watering potted plants, and making beds, are a few they can start with and grow into. As a matter of fact, kids love to be involved right from the time they are old enough to move around and it is often the parents who say No! with the best of intentions, of course. It is true, though, it might call for the patience of a monk to let your 3 year old help you with folding clothes, a chore which might go into the extended version with director's cut when you could easily get the job done in the so-called jiffy.

Kids and Chores
Photograph courtesy Clarita morguefile.com

How To Get Kids to do Chores

When it comes to kids and chores the smartest thing to do would be to not make it sound like a bad thing or a drab job. Make it a fun project, or better yet, a game. Sing along as you pick up stuff, count as you put away toys, stack according to colour or kind, you get the idea. As the child grows up, you can ease off and let her do it all.

Little kids love to imitate what they see others do. You can make good use of this monkey see monkey do philosophy and include them in the little things you do around the house. As toddlers they love following in your footsteps, mostly getting in your way and tripping you over. But those are the baby steps of socializing which later on extends beyond the homefront to school, friends, and the public.

Children are easily put off by staccato instructions and nagging. That's a surefire way of putting them off chores for good. The idea is to put them in charge of a certain number of chores that need to be done. Make them feel important and applaud when they do a good job. Bring it up casually before other people and you'll see them glow with pride and take their job even more seriously.

Doing chores give kids a sense of responsibility and belonging
Photograph courtesy Mary R. Vogt-morguefile.com

Of course there's not much you can delegate to kids from your busy schedule, but there are quite a few things they can do. This is something you decide since you know your child better than anyone else. Don't discourage them even if they impede your chores a little bit. You can put them in charge of one chore when young and promote them eventually. Kids soon get the idea that it is expected and taken for granted that these tasks will be done by them, just as the parents mow the lawn or do the laundry.

How Chores Help Kids

Children learn responsibility when they have regular chores to be done. On top of that, they experience the warm feeling of a job well done. It will certainly encourage self-esteem, concentration, innovative thinking and an ordered life style in your child. The very thought that the family depends on them to put away newspapers or water the plants makes them feel important and valuable members. It gives kids a feeling of independence. They will almost certainly grow into house-proud individuals who'll keep neat homes. Doing chores will definitely keep boredom at bay and their bedroom neat.

Wednesday, December 3

Parenting Questions That Need Answers

Parenting Questions

Life for kids is no longer the care-free, fun-filled stage of life that most adults claim they'd breezed through in their time. I've come to such a conclusion seeing as how kids are restrained by a number of factors that curb their freedom, add pressure, and suppress their natural bonhomie. On the other hand there seems to be an unlimited access to areas that they are not quite ready to be dabbling in. To be precise, kids seem to be where they shouldn't be and are not where they should be. A few ills as I see it are;


child rearing
Childrearing Photo Courtesy morguefile.com